THE CHANDOS



ALPINE RATING: 7 OUT OF 10

29 ST MARTINS LANE, TRAFALGER SQAURE, LONDON, WC2N, 4ER.
LEICESTER SQUARE, CHARING CROSS TUBE.




AHHHHH, THE CHANDOS..
 THIS PLACE HAS SOME GREAT MEMORIES. I FIRST VISITED THIS PLACE IN 2007, I BELIEVE. FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY AGO NOW.
IT WAS A 'MEETING OF ECCENTRICS' I WAS TOLD. THROUGH A COUPLE OF WORK COLLEAGUES I MET A CHAP CALLED BENEDICT WHO INTRODUCED ME TO A BOOK CALLED 'OIL APOCALYPSE'. THE BOOK IN QUESTION WAS A WARNING TO US ALL THAT A HUGE WAR WILL BREAK OUT AND WITHOUT OIL WE SHALL RESORT TO CANNIBALISM AND BAKING OUR OWN BREAD. AS I GAZED AT THE BACK COVER, A FAT OLD MAN IN A DIRTY MACK AND COWBOY HAT GAZED INTO THE CAMERA WITH A GRIMACE...
I MET A CHAP CALLED DANIEL, WHO LIKED TO EAT SUBWAY SANDWICHES AND SET HIS FINGERS ON FIRE WITH SAMBUCCA, LOUDLY SINGING A CIRCUS THEME TUNE AT THE SAME TIME.
THEN THERE WAS LUCY. A WELL SPOKEN YOUNG WOMEN WHO HAS A LIKING FOR CHAVY UK GARAGE (BLAZIN' SQUAD, SO SOLID), BOOM BHLUD. BBBRRRAAPP..
THEN THERE WAS 'BUNGLE', I HAVE NO IDEA WHY PEOPLE CALLED HIM  THAT. BUT THEY DID. HE HAD A BEARD AND ENJOYED THE WHEAT BEER IF I RECALL...







STILL, TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN. IN THE SPACE BETWEEN 2007 AND THIS GOOD YEAR OF OUR LORD, MUCH HAS CHANGED IN EVERYBODIES LIVES, IM SURE!! SOME BAD, SOME GOOD.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS THOUGH THAT HAVEN'T CHANGED.

*READERS VOICE* "LIKE WHAT MAN IN THE BOX?"....

AHH  HAAH! GLAD YOU ASKED... LET'S START FROM THE BEGINNING...
1) OIL APOCALYPSE: DAY 2055, STILL NO SIGN OF THE WW3. ALTHOUGH THERE ARE  RUMBLINGS IN THE MIDDLE EAST, I HAVEN'T RESORTED TO EATING PARTS OF MY NEIGHBORS TORSO SANDWICHED INTO FRESHLY BAKED SODA BREAD YET. ALTHOUGH I DO LIVE IN HOPE.
MORE THEN LIKELY, I SUSPECT THE AUTHOR OF THIS 'FICTION' WROTE THIS PULP TO IMPRESS THE YOUNG STUDENTS OF THE RED BRICK UNIVERSITIES HE LECTURES IN. IMAGINE WHAT DIVIDENDS HE ENVISIONED HE WOULD GET BACK FOR HIS MEAGER EFFORTS??? AN ARMY OF FEMALE STUDENTS, DESPERATE TO GET THEIR HANDS ON HIS NAKED, WOBBLY, PALE, MISSHAPEN BODY? WOULD THEY RUN THEIR FINGERS THROUGH HIS BALDING THATCH??
NOPE.
 LISTEN PAL, STICK TO GLORY HOLES AND WORLD OF WAR CRAFT....

2) UK GARAGE: IT'S OVER. IT HAS BEEN OVER FOR YEARS. AND THANK F**K FOR THAT. I DO LIKE THE MUSIC. I ALWAYS HAVE, IT'S THE UTTER A***HOLES WHO USED TO GO TO THE CLUBS AND BARS THAT PLAYED GARAGE. THE BAD ATTITUDE AND MANNERS SEEMED TO TRANSCEND CLASS. IT WAS THE UNITED COLORS OF BENETTON ALL GONE HORRIBLY WRONG.
"WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE A GARAGE MC?", A SMALL PENIS, ZERO ABILITY FOR RAPPING AND TOO MUCH COCAINE.
COCAINE, OH GOD! COCAINE! TONS OF IT.
THE SCENE WAS CONSTANTLY ENGULFED IN A BLIZZARD OF CHEAP GACK. NASTY.
IF YOU EVER WANT TO ACTUALLY WATCH SOME FOOTAGE OF THESE POND LIFE AT WORK, TYPE IN 'THE ARCHITECTS-MAKE THE BODY MOVE' ON YOUTUBE. WATCH A BUNCH OF GIRLS WITH MOUTHS LIKE DOGS ANUSES DANCING IN A ROBOTIC MANNER AS A BUNCH OF MUGGS TRY TO LOOK HARD WALKING THROUGH A CLUB. A PERFECT SNAP SHOT OF STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE. A TRULY GRUESOME MATING RITUAL FOR THE BRAIN DEAD.
I REMEMBER SEEING IDIOTS, WHO WOULD BUY A RUM AND COKE AND NURSE THE DRINK ALL NIGHT. JUST HOLDING IT TO LOOK COOL. STANDING IN A LEATHER JACKET AND SUNSHADES, IN A HOT CLUB. C'MON, I ASK YOU! REALLY?...THE ICE MELTING INTO THEIR CRUMMY DRINK...
AND AS FOR THE SO SOLID COMEBACK. NOBODY CARES. IF YOUR ON TWITTER CHECK OUT THEIR TWEETS. "TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER AND LOVE EVERYDAY"... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... THIS IS COMING FORM A CHAP WHO BROKE THE JAW OF A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL WHO REFUSED TO GIVE HIM ORAL SEX... HHHMMMM....
LISA MAFIA HAD A COMEBACK SINGLE *TUMBLEWEED*
BLAZIN' SQUAD WERE JUST RUBBISH. 'FRIDAY HILL', NAH I DIDN'T GET ROUND TO BUYING THAT EITHER.....








GOOD OLD CHANDOS, GOOD OLD SAMUEL SMITH.. NO POSTMEN PRETENDING TO BE GANGSTER DONS HERE... NO SIR....
ALTHOUGH, IT HAS AN OPERA ROOM....
YEAH, I DON'T GET THAT EITHER....
I MEAN, IT HAS AN UPSTAIRS AND A DOWNSTAIRS. I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING REMOTELY TO DO WITH OPERATICS.. AGAIN, I LIVE IN HOPE.....

I HAVE BEEN BACK 3 TIMES SINCE 2007...




THIS BOOZER IS SERIOUSLY IMPRESSIVE ON THE OUTSIDE. IT LOOKS 'THE CHAMPION' ON STEROIDS. SIGNS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
SERIOUSLY IMPRESSIVE GLASSWORK.
ITS ALSO MASSIVE. AND I MEAN.. MAAAHOOOSIVE...






THE SERVICE. THE SERVICE WAS EXCELLENT AND APPALLING AT THE SAME TIME.
AS A FAMILY ENTERED THE PUB TO ORDER DRINKS AND FOOD, THE STAFF WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY TO ACCOMMODATE THEM AND RECITE THE MANTRA "WE ARE A SAMUEL SMITHS PUB, WE ONLY SELL SAMUEL SMITH BEER..."
THEY REALLY GAVE GREAT ADVICE AND HELPED SEAT THEM.
BUT WITH MY ORDER OF FOOD. IT WAS DIFFERENT.
THE CHAP TOOK THE ORDER AND WAS PLEASANT. WHEN MY FOOD ARRIVED IT WAS SLAMMED DOWN ON THE TABLE. THE CHAP WHO DELIVERED IT DIDN'T EVEN MAKE CONTACT OR UTTER A WORD. BAD SHOW.
THE FOOD WAS LOVELY AND HAD A GREAT RELISH SERVED WITH IT.
THIS PLACE COULD HAVE GOT A 10 OUT OF 10. BUT I HAVE TO BE HONEST AND KNOCK 3 POINTS OFF FOR THE SERVICE.
MUST TRY HARDER GUYS....


AS THIS PLACE IS SLAP BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF TRAFALGER SQUARE, THE TOILETS ARE UNDERSTANBLY WELL USED. ALTHOUGH CLEAN, THERE ARE TELL TALE SIGNS THAT IT'S SUFFERED FOR THE BUSY PUB. BARE IN MIND THE TRADE THIS PUB DOES, IT MUST BLOW OUT OF KEGS LIKE FARTS AFTER A BIRIYANI. SO THAT MEANS ONE THING. THE BOGS MUST TAKE A FAIR THRASHING...

WHO'S THE HANDSOME FELLA BELLOW.....






THE PHOTO BELOW WAS TAKEN IN ONE OF THE CUBICLES *INSERT GAY JOKE*. REMBRANDT, IT WOULD SEEM IS ALIVE AND WELL... IT MADE ME LAUGH, I MUST BE HONEST....
IT'S A CREATIVE WAY TO IMPROVE A DIRTY OLD TOILET LIGHT. TAKING A DUMP, WHILST A PROTECTIVE EYE WATCHES.
GENIUS.



THE INSIDE HAS FANTAIC BOOTHS AND A SPACIOUS LAYOUT. THIS IS PERFECT FOR A RELAXING PINT.
THE UPSTAIRS IS FANTASTIC. COMFY SOFAS (NOT IN JENGA TWAT WAY), AND A WELL STOCKED BAR.
IT ALSO HAS ODD LOOKING TILES IN STRANGE PLACES.
THIS PUB IS A HEAVYWEIGHT IN TERMS OF CHARACTER!!







DOWN BELOW IS AGAIN, ANOTHER GLORIOUS SHOT OF THE TOILET. THIS TIME THE FLOOR. THE MAN HOLE COVER IS RUSTY. JUST IMAGINE THE MILLIONS OF GALLONS OF USED ALPINE LAGER THAT HAS BEEN THRASHED ALL OVER IT TO CAUSE IT TO ERODE. MANY A MAN MISSING THE GLORIOUS WHITE URINAL AND PUNISHING THE FLOOR.
IT'S WORTH A VISIT THIS PLACE. IT'S GOOD, BUT NOT THE BEST. 'CITTIE OF YORKE' AND 'THE CHAMPION' TAKE THAT PRIZE IN THIS NECK OF THE WOOD...
BUT, IF A NUCLEAR WAR BREAKS OUT, I'LL BE HIDING IN HERE. IN THE TOILETS. WITH A SO SOLID CD PLAYING.
"I GOT 1 SECONDS TO GO, I GOT 21 SECONDS TO BLOW"


*SOUND OF A NUCLEAR BOMB*

KAAHBOOOM

LIGHT A CANDLE. SAY A PRAYER FOR OUR LOST SOULS...... AND GET A RECIPE FOR HOMEMADE BREAD.