THE LYCEUM TAVERN



ALPINE RATING: 10 OUT OF 10




354 STRAND, WC2R OHS, LONDON.
COVENT GARDEN, TEMPLE AND CHARING CROSS TUBE.




OUTSTANDING.
THIS IS THE FIRST HOUSE OF UNCLE SAM'S THAT IS PERFECTION PERSONIFIED. MANY HAVE COME CLOSE (THE SWISS, CITTIE OF YORKE, THE CHAMPION AND THE ORDNANCE ARMS), BUT THIS ONE GETS THE CIGAR.
THIS IS THE PUB.
IF A MARSHAN FROM OUTER SPACE LANDED ON THIS SICK, CRIPPLED PLANET AND DEMANDED "TAKE ME TO THE BEST PUB YOU HAVE".... IT WOULD BE HERE!!
NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.






AS SOME OF YOU ARE AWARE, I'M A COMPLETE SUCKER FOR BIG OLD LAMPS. PART OF THE BEAUTY OF UNCLE SAMS HOUSES IS THE STRANGE OLD 'BEER LIGHTS' THAT HANG GLORIOUSLY OUTSIDE A NUMBER HIS STATELY HOMES. THE LYCEUM, ALTHOUGH NOT THE BIGGEST, ARE CERTAINLY THE MOST STYLISH (SEE ABOVE PHOTO).
THE BEER LIGHTS HERE ARE THE MUSTARD.

OTHER REVIEWS OF THIS PLACE SEEM TO BE QUITE MIXED. BUT IT MATTERS NOT. I AM THE EXPERT ON ALL THINGS ALPINE/TADDY WITH BUBBLES AND A HEALTHY FROTHY HEAD. THIS IS THE BEST VENUE SO FAR I HAVE FOUND THAT IS THE APPROPRIATE AGENT TO DISTRIBUTE SUCH HEAVENLY CONTRABAND.
IT'S MY OPINION THAT MATTERS HERE, REMEMBER THAT!
YOU WOULDN'T READ MY REVIEWS IF YOU DIDN'T TRUST MY OPINION OR WARPED RANTS.




THE INTERIOR OF THIS CLASSY BOOZER IS SLEEK TO SAY THE LEAST. LIKE THE 'CITTIE OF YORKE', THIS PLACE HAS BOOTHS TO SIT IN. THE BOOTHS ARE JUST AS GOOD AS THE FOR MENTIONED PUB. NOPE, SCRATCH THAT. THESE BOOTHS ARE BETTER...
CLASSIC LIBRARY CURTAINS HANG OVER A FROSTED WINDOW WITH AN OLD CHINA LAMP ILLUMINATING THE BOOTH.
NICE.
WHILST ENJOYING MY TADDY, I KEPT EXPECTING POIROT TO WANDER PAST WITH A KANE CLUTCHED IN HIS PRISTINE MITT..

INSPECTOORRR, AND WHERE IS ZEEE TADDY, NON?





THE DEEP OAK WALLS OOZE CLASS.
THERE IS AN UPSTAIRS BUT I DIDN'T VENTURE THERE, I WAS FAR TOO  COMFORTABLE IN THE BOOTH.







SO WHAT ABOUT THE HOOCH? I HEAR YOU CRY....
WELL, SPOT ON...
THE TADDY WAS IN TOP FORM. THE GLASS HAD MORE BUBBLES THEN MICHAEL JACKSON. THE HEAD ON THE LAGER WAS PERFECT. C.A.M.R.A MAY WELL REQUEST THE FULL PINT, BUT THIS WAS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHAT A PINT OF LAGER SHOULD LOOK LIKE. IT'S WORTH MENTIONING THAT I RECENTLY PAID 4 POUNDS FOR A FLAT PINT OF BECKS IN A PUB IN KILBURN. I SHAN'T NAME AND SHAME THEM BECAUSE.... AHHHH, TO HELL WITH THAT.
IT WAS THE BLACK LION. 
THE BEER WAS FLAT. THE SERVICE WAS RUDE. THE CHAP BEHIND THE BAR IN HIS STUPID LOOKING WAISTCOAT (SOMETHING A 5 YEAR OLD WOULD WEAR IN 1976) MADE A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT TO HUMILIATE MYSELF AND MY FRIEND (DERRICK) BECAUSE I SUSPECT, HE FELT WE WERE NOT UP TO HIS EVER SO HIGH STANDARDS. HE CLAIMED I WAS SLURRING (I WASN'T) BUT STILL SERVED THE DRINK BY TOSSING THE GLASS AT ME.
THE LYCEUM WAS THE BEST CUSTOMER SERVICE I HAD EVER RECEIVED IN CONTRAST.
THE SERVICE WAS POLITE AND THE COUPLE RUNNING THE PLACE SAID HELLO TO ME AS MY DRINK WAS POURED.





THE COUPLE RUNNING PLACE ARE DEFINITELY WORTH MENTIONING HERE.
THEY WERE BUSY CLEANING THE WINDOWS WITH GREAT PRIDE AND TAKING CARE OF THE PATRONS. 10 POINTS!!!
ITS PUBS LIKE THIS, THAT MAKE SAMUEL SMITH THE NUMERO UNO IN THE BOOZE TRADE. NO QUESTION. I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO PEOPLE ON A SAMUEL SMITH FORUM. THE OWNER HUMPHREY SMITH HAS COME UNDER MUCH CRITICISM FOR HIS ANTICS AND METHODS OF RUNNING A BUSINESS. PEOPLE ON THERE SEEM TO HAVE A GREAT LOVE FOR THE BEER, NOT SO MUCH LOVE FOR HUMPHREY. WHEREVER YOU STAND, THIS PUB CHAIN WIPES THE FLOOR WITH ALL OTHERS. WEATHERSPOONS AND GREENKING COME CLOSE. UNCLE SAM IS TOP DOG. THIS PUB IS THE BEST EXAMPLE YET OF A BRILLIANT EMPIRE.








IF I'M ON THE SUBJECT. THE FOOD. THE BREWERY NEEDS TO PUT SOME MORE THOUGHT INTO THE FOOD. THE FOOD IS GOOD QUALITY, BUT COULD DO WITH MORE VARIATION.
THE MENU'S LOOK DRAB.
BRIGHTER MENUS WOULD REALLY TAKE THIS CHAIN TO NEXT LEVEL. WEATHERSPOONS DOES FOOD BETTER, I AM SORRY TO SAY. BUT NOT THE BEER. THAT IS FOR CERTAIN.
I JUST WISH THEY WOULD BRING BACK D PILS AND THE ORIGINAL ALPINE!!








AS I WAS ORDERING, THERE WAS OLD CHAP WAS AT THE BAR. AS THE YOUNG LADY ACKNOWLEDGED HIM WHILST  POURING MY TADDY, HE TURNED TO ME AND SAID "ALL THE YOUNG FOLK LIKE THE TADDY STUFF! ME? OBB ALL THE WAY. PROPER BEER"....







THE DIVIDE BETWEEN THE YOUNG AND THE OLD IS APPARENT IN  MANY ASPECTS OF MY LIFE THESE DAYS AND ESPECIALLY IN THE SAMUEL SMITH PUBS. THE OLDER DRINKERS SHOOTING RESENTFUL LOOKS AND THE YOUNG WHIPPER SNAPPERS HAVING FUN. MOST OF THE OLD FOLK PROBABLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE NEW WORLD THAT SURROUNDS THEM.
I DON'T EITHER TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST.
I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT THE OLD CHAP SAID AS I LEFT THE LYCEUM. IN THE BOOK 'TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD' BY HARPER LEE, THE CHARACTER ATTICUS SAYS "TO TRULY UNDERSTAND A MAN, YOU MUST GET IN HIS SHOES AND WALK AROUND IN THEM FOR A BIT"..
I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS QUOTE. I CALLED INTO 'THE ORDNANCE ARMS' AFTER GETTING OFF THE TRAIN.
I ORDERED AN OBB.
THE OLD FELLA KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.


THE CHANDOS



ALPINE RATING: 7 OUT OF 10

29 ST MARTINS LANE, TRAFALGER SQAURE, LONDON, WC2N, 4ER.
LEICESTER SQUARE, CHARING CROSS TUBE.




AHHHHH, THE CHANDOS..
 THIS PLACE HAS SOME GREAT MEMORIES. I FIRST VISITED THIS PLACE IN 2007, I BELIEVE. FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY AGO NOW.
IT WAS A 'MEETING OF ECCENTRICS' I WAS TOLD. THROUGH A COUPLE OF WORK COLLEAGUES I MET A CHAP CALLED BENEDICT WHO INTRODUCED ME TO A BOOK CALLED 'OIL APOCALYPSE'. THE BOOK IN QUESTION WAS A WARNING TO US ALL THAT A HUGE WAR WILL BREAK OUT AND WITHOUT OIL WE SHALL RESORT TO CANNIBALISM AND BAKING OUR OWN BREAD. AS I GAZED AT THE BACK COVER, A FAT OLD MAN IN A DIRTY MACK AND COWBOY HAT GAZED INTO THE CAMERA WITH A GRIMACE...
I MET A CHAP CALLED DANIEL, WHO LIKED TO EAT SUBWAY SANDWICHES AND SET HIS FINGERS ON FIRE WITH SAMBUCCA, LOUDLY SINGING A CIRCUS THEME TUNE AT THE SAME TIME.
THEN THERE WAS LUCY. A WELL SPOKEN YOUNG WOMEN WHO HAS A LIKING FOR CHAVY UK GARAGE (BLAZIN' SQUAD, SO SOLID), BOOM BHLUD. BBBRRRAAPP..
THEN THERE WAS 'BUNGLE', I HAVE NO IDEA WHY PEOPLE CALLED HIM  THAT. BUT THEY DID. HE HAD A BEARD AND ENJOYED THE WHEAT BEER IF I RECALL...







STILL, TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN. IN THE SPACE BETWEEN 2007 AND THIS GOOD YEAR OF OUR LORD, MUCH HAS CHANGED IN EVERYBODIES LIVES, IM SURE!! SOME BAD, SOME GOOD.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS THOUGH THAT HAVEN'T CHANGED.

*READERS VOICE* "LIKE WHAT MAN IN THE BOX?"....

AHH  HAAH! GLAD YOU ASKED... LET'S START FROM THE BEGINNING...
1) OIL APOCALYPSE: DAY 2055, STILL NO SIGN OF THE WW3. ALTHOUGH THERE ARE  RUMBLINGS IN THE MIDDLE EAST, I HAVEN'T RESORTED TO EATING PARTS OF MY NEIGHBORS TORSO SANDWICHED INTO FRESHLY BAKED SODA BREAD YET. ALTHOUGH I DO LIVE IN HOPE.
MORE THEN LIKELY, I SUSPECT THE AUTHOR OF THIS 'FICTION' WROTE THIS PULP TO IMPRESS THE YOUNG STUDENTS OF THE RED BRICK UNIVERSITIES HE LECTURES IN. IMAGINE WHAT DIVIDENDS HE ENVISIONED HE WOULD GET BACK FOR HIS MEAGER EFFORTS??? AN ARMY OF FEMALE STUDENTS, DESPERATE TO GET THEIR HANDS ON HIS NAKED, WOBBLY, PALE, MISSHAPEN BODY? WOULD THEY RUN THEIR FINGERS THROUGH HIS BALDING THATCH??
NOPE.
 LISTEN PAL, STICK TO GLORY HOLES AND WORLD OF WAR CRAFT....

2) UK GARAGE: IT'S OVER. IT HAS BEEN OVER FOR YEARS. AND THANK F**K FOR THAT. I DO LIKE THE MUSIC. I ALWAYS HAVE, IT'S THE UTTER A***HOLES WHO USED TO GO TO THE CLUBS AND BARS THAT PLAYED GARAGE. THE BAD ATTITUDE AND MANNERS SEEMED TO TRANSCEND CLASS. IT WAS THE UNITED COLORS OF BENETTON ALL GONE HORRIBLY WRONG.
"WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE A GARAGE MC?", A SMALL PENIS, ZERO ABILITY FOR RAPPING AND TOO MUCH COCAINE.
COCAINE, OH GOD! COCAINE! TONS OF IT.
THE SCENE WAS CONSTANTLY ENGULFED IN A BLIZZARD OF CHEAP GACK. NASTY.
IF YOU EVER WANT TO ACTUALLY WATCH SOME FOOTAGE OF THESE POND LIFE AT WORK, TYPE IN 'THE ARCHITECTS-MAKE THE BODY MOVE' ON YOUTUBE. WATCH A BUNCH OF GIRLS WITH MOUTHS LIKE DOGS ANUSES DANCING IN A ROBOTIC MANNER AS A BUNCH OF MUGGS TRY TO LOOK HARD WALKING THROUGH A CLUB. A PERFECT SNAP SHOT OF STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE. A TRULY GRUESOME MATING RITUAL FOR THE BRAIN DEAD.
I REMEMBER SEEING IDIOTS, WHO WOULD BUY A RUM AND COKE AND NURSE THE DRINK ALL NIGHT. JUST HOLDING IT TO LOOK COOL. STANDING IN A LEATHER JACKET AND SUNSHADES, IN A HOT CLUB. C'MON, I ASK YOU! REALLY?...THE ICE MELTING INTO THEIR CRUMMY DRINK...
AND AS FOR THE SO SOLID COMEBACK. NOBODY CARES. IF YOUR ON TWITTER CHECK OUT THEIR TWEETS. "TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER AND LOVE EVERYDAY"... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... THIS IS COMING FORM A CHAP WHO BROKE THE JAW OF A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL WHO REFUSED TO GIVE HIM ORAL SEX... HHHMMMM....
LISA MAFIA HAD A COMEBACK SINGLE *TUMBLEWEED*
BLAZIN' SQUAD WERE JUST RUBBISH. 'FRIDAY HILL', NAH I DIDN'T GET ROUND TO BUYING THAT EITHER.....








GOOD OLD CHANDOS, GOOD OLD SAMUEL SMITH.. NO POSTMEN PRETENDING TO BE GANGSTER DONS HERE... NO SIR....
ALTHOUGH, IT HAS AN OPERA ROOM....
YEAH, I DON'T GET THAT EITHER....
I MEAN, IT HAS AN UPSTAIRS AND A DOWNSTAIRS. I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING REMOTELY TO DO WITH OPERATICS.. AGAIN, I LIVE IN HOPE.....

I HAVE BEEN BACK 3 TIMES SINCE 2007...




THIS BOOZER IS SERIOUSLY IMPRESSIVE ON THE OUTSIDE. IT LOOKS 'THE CHAMPION' ON STEROIDS. SIGNS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
SERIOUSLY IMPRESSIVE GLASSWORK.
ITS ALSO MASSIVE. AND I MEAN.. MAAAHOOOSIVE...






THE SERVICE. THE SERVICE WAS EXCELLENT AND APPALLING AT THE SAME TIME.
AS A FAMILY ENTERED THE PUB TO ORDER DRINKS AND FOOD, THE STAFF WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY TO ACCOMMODATE THEM AND RECITE THE MANTRA "WE ARE A SAMUEL SMITHS PUB, WE ONLY SELL SAMUEL SMITH BEER..."
THEY REALLY GAVE GREAT ADVICE AND HELPED SEAT THEM.
BUT WITH MY ORDER OF FOOD. IT WAS DIFFERENT.
THE CHAP TOOK THE ORDER AND WAS PLEASANT. WHEN MY FOOD ARRIVED IT WAS SLAMMED DOWN ON THE TABLE. THE CHAP WHO DELIVERED IT DIDN'T EVEN MAKE CONTACT OR UTTER A WORD. BAD SHOW.
THE FOOD WAS LOVELY AND HAD A GREAT RELISH SERVED WITH IT.
THIS PLACE COULD HAVE GOT A 10 OUT OF 10. BUT I HAVE TO BE HONEST AND KNOCK 3 POINTS OFF FOR THE SERVICE.
MUST TRY HARDER GUYS....


AS THIS PLACE IS SLAP BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF TRAFALGER SQUARE, THE TOILETS ARE UNDERSTANBLY WELL USED. ALTHOUGH CLEAN, THERE ARE TELL TALE SIGNS THAT IT'S SUFFERED FOR THE BUSY PUB. BARE IN MIND THE TRADE THIS PUB DOES, IT MUST BLOW OUT OF KEGS LIKE FARTS AFTER A BIRIYANI. SO THAT MEANS ONE THING. THE BOGS MUST TAKE A FAIR THRASHING...

WHO'S THE HANDSOME FELLA BELLOW.....






THE PHOTO BELOW WAS TAKEN IN ONE OF THE CUBICLES *INSERT GAY JOKE*. REMBRANDT, IT WOULD SEEM IS ALIVE AND WELL... IT MADE ME LAUGH, I MUST BE HONEST....
IT'S A CREATIVE WAY TO IMPROVE A DIRTY OLD TOILET LIGHT. TAKING A DUMP, WHILST A PROTECTIVE EYE WATCHES.
GENIUS.



THE INSIDE HAS FANTAIC BOOTHS AND A SPACIOUS LAYOUT. THIS IS PERFECT FOR A RELAXING PINT.
THE UPSTAIRS IS FANTASTIC. COMFY SOFAS (NOT IN JENGA TWAT WAY), AND A WELL STOCKED BAR.
IT ALSO HAS ODD LOOKING TILES IN STRANGE PLACES.
THIS PUB IS A HEAVYWEIGHT IN TERMS OF CHARACTER!!







DOWN BELOW IS AGAIN, ANOTHER GLORIOUS SHOT OF THE TOILET. THIS TIME THE FLOOR. THE MAN HOLE COVER IS RUSTY. JUST IMAGINE THE MILLIONS OF GALLONS OF USED ALPINE LAGER THAT HAS BEEN THRASHED ALL OVER IT TO CAUSE IT TO ERODE. MANY A MAN MISSING THE GLORIOUS WHITE URINAL AND PUNISHING THE FLOOR.
IT'S WORTH A VISIT THIS PLACE. IT'S GOOD, BUT NOT THE BEST. 'CITTIE OF YORKE' AND 'THE CHAMPION' TAKE THAT PRIZE IN THIS NECK OF THE WOOD...
BUT, IF A NUCLEAR WAR BREAKS OUT, I'LL BE HIDING IN HERE. IN THE TOILETS. WITH A SO SOLID CD PLAYING.
"I GOT 1 SECONDS TO GO, I GOT 21 SECONDS TO BLOW"


*SOUND OF A NUCLEAR BOMB*

KAAHBOOOM

LIGHT A CANDLE. SAY A PRAYER FOR OUR LOST SOULS...... AND GET A RECIPE FOR HOMEMADE BREAD.


THE DOVER CASTLE



ALPINE RATING: 8 OUT OF 10


43 WAYMOUTH MEWS, LONDON, W1G 7EH.
REGENTS PARK, GREAT PORTLAND STREET TUBE. OR CONTACT SHERLOCK HOLMES TO FIND THE VENUE. ELEMENTARY MY DEAR WATSON.......



THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THEN THE SWORD. A BRILLIANT QUOTE IF EVER THERE WAS ONE.
I THINK MORE DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE OVER THE YEARS FROM WRITTEN WORDS THEN BATTLE ON MANY DIFFERENT PLAINS. IN FACT MUCH BATTLE HAS COMMENCED  BECAUSE OF WRITTEN  WORDS AND THIS IS A POLITICAL PATH I SHALL NOT STRAY DOWN. YOU GET THE POINT RIGHT?
I SHALL COME BACK TO THIS THEME A BIT LATER, 
YOU SEE.... IT ALL COMES TO BEAR..





THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PUB HAS ALWAYS BEEN SLIGHTLY DOOMED.
LUCK HAS JUST NOT BEEN ON MY SIDE ON TWO VISITS.
THE FIRST TIME THE BATTERY DIED ON MY PHONE.
SO WHATS THE PROBLEM 'MAN IN THE BOX' I HEAR YOU SAY?
WELL.... JUST LOOK AT THE POOR RESOLUTION OF MY PHOTOS ON THIS BLOG. WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY COME FROM?
BY GEORGE I THINK HE'S GOT IT! HURRAH!
MY PHONE....
I ENJOYED A LOVELY PINT WITH MY LIFELESS PHONE AND TOOK IN THE PUBS ABSOLUTELY STUNNING INTERIOR!!




YOU SEE, IT'S THE INTERIOR THAT MAKES THIS BOOZER EVER SO SPECIAL. 'SPLENDID'.... YEP, THAT'S THE WORD THAT DESCRIBES THE ELOQUENT INSIDE.
THIS PUB IS DEFINITELY LIVED IN, THAT'S FOR SURE. 
THIS IS A PUZZLE TO ME.
 THIS PUB IS HIDDEN AWAY DOWN A MEWS. I HAD TO USE THE GOOGLE MAP TO FIND THIS PLACE. HENCE THE DEAD PHONE.
FINDING LORD LUCAN IN THE BEMUDA TRIANGLE WOULD BE A DAMN SIGHT EASIER...
IF VISITING BRING A COMPASS. IT'S SOUND ADVICE.




ENTERING THE PUB I WAS GREETED BY A VERY POLITE AMERICAN GIRL BEHIND THE BAR. SHE POURED MY DRINK WITH THE PRECISION OF A TOP SURGEON.
BEING AN AMERICAN I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED A 'HAVE A NICE DAYYY' AS I LEFT.. SHE DIDN'T THANK GOD.
TAKING IN MY PINT, I TOOK IN THE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE. THIS IS THE PUB FOR INTELLECTUAL FOLK. IT HAS BOOK SHELVES STACKED WITH OLD BOOKS SPORTING BROKEN SPINES. CRUSTY OLD BOOKS ABOUT GOD KNOWS WHAT... WRITTEN WHO KNOWS WHEN. MAYBE THEY ARE THERE JUST FOR SHOW! I CERTAINLY DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING BY JACKIE COLLINS. THE SHELVES ARE ALSO ADORNED WITH TRINKETS AND KNICK KNACKS. I THOUGHT OF ROGER MELLIE FROM VIZ WHEN HE PRESENTS THE ANTIQUES ROAD SHOW "SORRY I'M LATE. SOMEBODY IS HAVING A F**KING JUMBLE SALE OUT THERE"......
HOWEVER, THE BOOKS AND ODD BITS GIVE THE PLACE A CERTAIN AMBIANCE.
IT HAS ALL THE GOOD THINGS A SAMS PUB SHOULD HAVE.
I ALSO TOOK IN THE CONVERSATION TRANSPIRING AT THE BAR BETWEEN SOME NORTHERN CHAP IN HIS LATE 40'S AND THE YOUNG AMERICAN GIRL.
THE CHAP IN QUESTION WAS REGALING THE LADY WITH STORIES ABOUT WHEN HE LIVED IN THE AREA IN THE 1980'S.
JOKING ASIDE, IT WAS A GREAT CONVERSATION TO EARWIG.
OTHER SUBJECTS WERE DISCUSSED INCLUDING RUGBY BEING BETTER THEN FOOTBALL (CONCUR!), THE CHANGE OF MARYLEBONE OVER THE YEARS (INTERESTING, IT WAS ONCE A DUMP APPARENTLY) AND MODERN POLITICS (ALL GOOD VIEWS)... I WOULD HAVE STAYED LONGER. THE BEER WAS FAB, THE CONVERSATION TOP NOTCH. BUT I HAD TO MEET A FRIEND. SO I LEFT..
I MADE A SECOND VISIT.... OH DEAR, THE SECOND VISIT......

THE SECOND VISIT WAS DISASTROUS......
THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THEN THE SWORD...
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT DEPRIVES ME OF LAGER....




THERE WAS A NOTE WITH DODGY HANDWRITING ATTACHED TO THE DOOR. SOMETHING TO DO WITH 'MAINTANANCE' WORK.....
SO.... NO....... TADDY??..... HUH??? *QUIVERING TOP LIP*.... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

IT'S QUITE EVIDENT THAT THE COMPANY DOES NOT LIKE USING WORD PROCESSORS.

ALAS, OUR ROMANCE DOVER CASTLE, IS NOT TO BE.......
I SHALL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU THOUGH.... WHEN I EAT DOVER SOLE, WHEN I CATCH A FERRY, WHEN I CLAMBER AROUND SCOTTISH RUINS....
WHENEVER I DIP A FEATHER INTO A POT OF INK.
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART.
IN FACT I HAVE WRITTEN YOU A LOVE LETTER..
MWAH XXXXXXXXXXX

SEE BELOW........










NO MATTER. THIS IS A CRACKING PUB.
A LOVELY PLACE OOZING PIZAZZ AND CHARACTER. A BEAUTIFUL STONE IN AN AREA THAT PERSONIFIES THE WORD 'GROTESQUE'........






JUST A BEER LIGHT TO GUIDE US................

THE GLASSHOUSE STORES



ALPINE RATING: 8 OUT OF 10


55 BREWER STREET, LONDON, W1F 9UN.
PICCADILLY CIRCUS, OXFORD CIRCUS TUBE.




AAHHHH... THE LOST ART OF THE PUB CRAWL. BOUNCING FROM PUB TO PUB! NAUGHTY BUT NICE!!! ESPECIALLY ON A HOT DAY!
HOWEVER, THESE DAYS WITH THE RISING PRICE OF BEER AND GENERAL ATTITUDES TO US 'EVIL BEER DRINKERS', THE TRUSTY PUB CRAWL IS FADING TO A DISTANT MEMORY. AAAANYWAY........
IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD YOU  CAN HIT FOUR OF UNCLE SAMS RATHER MAGNIFICENT ALE HOUSES IN THE SPACE OF AN HOUR. THE PUBS THEMSELVES ARE ONLY A COUPLE OF MINUTES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. THE 'DUKE OF ARGYLL' AND 'THE GLASSHOUSE STORES' ARE ACUALLY A COUPLE OF DOORS APART. YOU CAN SEE EACH ONE PERFECTLY FROM EACH SULLIED DOORWAY.
THE CRAWL I DID WAS THUS:


THE RED LION
THE JOHN SNOW
THE GLASSHOUSE STORES
THE DUKE OF ARGYLL



IF YOU WERE TO PUSH THE CRAWL, YOU COULD INCLUDE 'THE WHITE HORSE' WHICH IS ABOUT 12 MINUTES AWAY FROM THE 'THE GLASSHOUSE STORES'...
LIKE 'THE CHAMPION' I HAD TO VISIT THE PUB TWICE. THE JURY WAS OUT THE FIRST TIME. 
IT WAS A WELL THOUGHT DECISION I CONCLUDED TO. I HAD TO VISIT AGAIN AS I COULDN'T WRITE A FAIR REVIEW FOR THIS PUB.
 WHY?
GOOD QUESTION!! THE FIRST VISIT I HAD TAKEN IN ABOUT 3 OTHER UNCLE SAMS HOUSES AND DECIDED THAT MY PALETE MAY HAVE BEEN SLIGHTLY BLUNTED BY FANTASTICALLY TANGY UNCLE SAMS LAGER TO MAKE A BALANCED JUDGEMENT. THE FIRST VISIT YOU SEE WAS A RATHER ODD EXPERIENCE....


 BRAHMS?..... I COULD WELL HAVE BEEN ON THE FIRST VISIT, BUT I WAS PUZZLED ALSO. 
ON WALKING IN, I WAS GREETED BY A RETRO SKINHEAD SMOKING A FAG OUTSIDE. HE WAS A SIGHT TO BEHOLD, REAL '1968 FOREVER' STUFF. 18 HOLE DOC MARTINS, BRUTUS SHIRT AND BRACES...
HEADING TO THE BAR, I THEN CLOCKED A CHAP WITH AVIATOR GLASSES AND A HUGE QUIFF. ELVIS???!!!
WHAT THE F**K WAS GOING ON IN THIS PLACE??!!!!




NEVER THE LESS, I STARTED TO DRINK MY TADDY AND TRY TO ACT UNFAZED BY THE WAX MUSEUM SURROUNDING ME.
THE PEOPLE WERE ODD, THE PUB IS ODD. IT'S A BIZARRE L SHAPE. IT HAS A BANNISTER AT THE END OF THE PUB FOR NO APPARENT REASON!!
WHILST DRINKING MY PINT, A CHAP WANDERED INTO THE BAR WITH HIS WIFE. THEY LOOKED NORMAL. THEY WERE SPANISH TOURISTS AS IT GOES. THEY ALSO SEEMED RATHER PUZZLED BY THE PEOPLE IN THERE TOO. THEY ASKED ME WHAT WAS GOOD TO DRINK AS THEY HAD NEVER BEEN IN A SAMS BEFORE. I ADVISED. SAID GOODBYE AND HEADED OFF THE SWISS......
I THOUGHT NO MORE OF THIS GLASSHOUSE PLACE...
THE NEXT MORNING IT WAS A HAZY MEMORY..



SO I RETURNED.. IT WAS A DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE. NOT NEARLY AS STRANGE AS THE FIRST TIME.

I JUST WANT TO GET ONE CRITISISM OFF MY CHEST.
 THE BAR!!
 ITS AT THE ENTRANCE AND THATS FINE. BUT... I WISH THEY WOULD TIDY UP A BIT. IT LOOKS TERRIBLE!! PENS AND PAPER ALL OVER THE PLACE. DIRTY STICKERS ON THE WOODWORK INFORMING THE STAFF WHERE THE PENS ARE! YUK!! NASTY..... GET RID OF IT PLEEEASE!!
IF THE STAFF CAN'T DIFFERENCIATE BETWEEN PENCILS AND PENS, THEN THEY SHOULDN'T BE POURING TADDYS. SAMUEL SMITH BEER AND PUBS SHOULD BE TREATED WITH THE RESPECT THEY DESERVE!! HALFWITS SHOULD BE BARRED, NOT EMPLOYED!



THE PUB THOUGH ASIDE FROM TATTY BEHIND THE BAR STICKERS IS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.
I LOVE THE SEATING AND COSY ENVIROMENT. THE SERVICE IS POLITE, FRIENDLY AND FAST!! VERY FAST, *JOHN WAYNE VOICE* "FASTEST DAMN TADDY IN THE WEST!... PILGRIM..."
YOU CAN SIT BY THE BAR, AS MANY DO AND CHAT TO RANDOM PATRONS. I HAVE TO SAY I THOUGHT AT ONE POINT THIS PLACE WAS THE RUNT OF THE LITTER, BUT GHEEZE, HOW WRONG I WAS!
I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT TO SPEND A LAZY SATURDAY AFTERNOON HERE GORGING ON TADDY. 
THIS PUB IS WHAT US LADS SOMETIMES CALL GIRLS ' A BORDERLINE BOILER'...
IT ISN'T COSMETICALLY PLEASING, BUT SOMEHOW STILL OOOZES SEX APPEAL. THIS IS  WHAT THE GLASSHOUSE STORES IS ALL ABOUT!!
YOU JUST CAN'T PUT YOUR FINGER ON IT. SOMEHOW IT HAS CHARM, A WARM ATTRACTION....



IT REPRESENTS ALL THAT'S IMPERFECT IN SOHO. 
DIRTY, GRITTY, AND CHOKED FULL OF CHARACTER!!!!
DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE OUTSIDE! YES, 'THE DUKE OF ARGYLL' MAY LOOK BIGGER AND MORE APPEALING, BUT THIS PUB DESERVES YOUR ATTENTION.
YOUR SPOILT FOR CHOICE WHEN IT COMES TO SAM SMITH PUBS HERE, BUT MARK MY WORDS. THIS PLACE IS AN UNDISCOVERED GEM. MISS THIS AT YOUR PERIL.
WHAT A GREAT PUB. 
THIS IS ENGLAND BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
AND ENJOY IT WHILE IT'S STILL HERE. 
BEFORE THE DARK, SANITISED AND MATHEMATICAL PAPER SHAPED FUTURE FORCES US ALL TO LIVE IN THE FASCIST, BORING AND DULL LIFE ZEE FUHRER ADOLF HITLER ORIGINALLY ENVISIONED IN HIS SMALL, SICK LITTLE MIND.
IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE BRITISH PINT, PLEASE SIGN THIS ONLINE PETITION:


AND WATCH 'THE PEOPLE VS LARRY FLYNT'.

 IF YOU DON'T AGREE, THEN F**K OFF. NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR 'DEBATE'. IT'S LIKE THE BNP EXTOLLING THE VIRTUES OF ETHNIC CLEANSING, ALTHOUGH YOU MAY BELIEVE YOUR LIBERAL, YOUR CLEARLY NOT! DESTROY THE BRITISH PUB AND LEAVE 1 MILLION OUT OF WORK. FEEL SMUG NOBODY DESERVES FUN AND YOU HAVE DEPRIVED US ALL OF ANY LIBATION. THE SOLUTION TO BINGE DRINKING AND SOCIAL ILLNESS IS PUNISH US ALL BECAUSE OUR SYSTEM HAS NEITHER THE INTELLIGENCE, NOR THE BALLS TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM. 

IT'S JUST LIKE A TEACHER KEEPING THE CLASS  BACK FROM DETENTION AFTER ONE PUPILS BAD DEEDS. 
EVERYBODY MUST SUFFER!!

DO US A FAVOR, PISS OFF AND PLAY WITH THE TRAFFIC.

DON'T BE A ZOMBIE PEOPLE! 
DO YOU REALLY WANT THE WORLD OF THE FUTURE POPULATED WALKING ROBOCOPS?. NOPE, ME EITHER...............

I'M A HUMAN BEING GODDAMIT!!!
I'M A HUMAN BEING GODDAMIT!!!


IF YOU AGREE WITH ANYTHING I'VE SAID, THEN LISTEN O THIS LINK!!

SAMDMAN - REVOLUTION



IF YOU LIKED THAT LINK, DOWNLOAD THIS ALBUM:

LUCID MOVER AKA SANDMAN - CODE OF THE ROADRUNNER.

AND IT'S FREE!!!! TOP ALBUM. EVEN THE DEAD COULD SHAKE A LEG TO THIS!!



RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS ALL ACTING SATANIC....




IF YOUR STILL READING, MUCH LOVE. YOUR EVIDENTLY A TRUE BEER AFICIONADO.

OR BELIEVE IN FREEDOM. GOOD FOR YOU......

THIS IS A WICKED PUB. DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR ENJOYING LAGER. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. PEACE.


OH BY THE WAY... WITH REGARDS TO THE PUB......

THE SIGN OUTSIDE WAS HILARIOUS. 
IT GETS AN EXTRA POINT FOR THAT!




THE HORSE AND GROOM



ALPINE RATING: 8 OUT OF 10



128 GREAT PORTLAND STREET, LONDON, W1W 6PX.
GREAT PORTLAND STREET TUBE.






THERES A CLASSIC SCENE FROM THE FILM 'NIGHT OF THE GENERALS' WHERE PETER O'TOOLE IS SO OVERWHELMED BY A VAN GOUGH PAINTING HE STARTS TO SHAKE AND TWITCH.  
SEE FOR YOURSELF

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME STANDING OUTSIDE THIS SIMPLY WONDERFUL BOOZER. 
I WAS OVER RUN WITH EMOTION. IT'S MUSTARD YELLOW AND ORANGE TILES. 
ITS FINE DARK TINTED WINDOWS. ITS PAINTED UPPER WINDOWS OF A JOCKEY AND A HORSE. THIS IS A TRADITIONAL BOOZER. ONE LIKE THE REST, IT WILL SOON BE EXTINCT.
BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER. THIS PLACE TO ME AT LEAST, IS A WORK OF ART.





SURE, THE COLOUR SCHEME MAY BE RATHER STRANGE, BUT THE BEER INSIDE CERTAINLY ISN'T BY ANY MEANS! DON'T BE FOOLED ALSO BY THE SMALL FRONT. IT'S RATHER LARGE AND SPACIOUS INSIDE. THE PUB ITSELF IS SPLIT INTO 2 PARTS. THE BAR AREA AT THE FRONT AND A COMFY BACK ROOM WITH A JAW DROPPINGLY GOOD DARTS AREA!
IT HAS UNCLE SAM POSTERS ARRANGED ON THE WALLS IN A VERY ROCK N ROLL MANNER. THE NAME OF THIS UNCLE SAMS MAY BE RATHER DRAB, BUT THE INSIDE TELLS A DIFFERENT STORY. ITS YARDS AWAY FROM THE COCK AND THE YORKSHIRE GREY, SO IT HAS STIFF COMPETITION FROM ITS BREWERY BROTHERS. BUT I WON'T LIE, THIS BEATS THEM BOTH HANDS DOWN. THIS PLACE IS THE BEST KEPT SECRET ON GREAT PORTLAND STREET!




IT HAS THE DIM LIGHTING US UNCLE SAM FANS LOVE (SO WE CAN HIDE OUR UGLY FACES NATURALLY) AND THE OLD SCHOOL 1960s WALLPAPER, BUT WHAT TRULY MAKES THIS GAFF IS THE PEOPLE!!
I WAS SURPRISED WALKING IN HERE TO SEE THE MIX OF FOLKS. ALL WALKS OF LIFE. STUDENTS READING BOOKS AND ENJOYING A TADDY.. FAMILY'S WITH CHILDREN PLAYING HANDHELD VIDEO GAMES AND MUNCHING CRISPS, COCKNEY WIDE BOYS PLAYING DARTS "ONE HHAANDRED N AYETY GEEZAH" AND STRANGE INTELLECTUAL SPODS IN DISCUSSION ABOUT  THINGS MY PRIMITIVE LITTLE HEAD COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND..
AND THEY WERE ALL INTERACTING WITH EACH OTHER AS I OVERHEARD ONE OF THE THE COCKNEY WIDE BOYS ENQUIRING ABOUT A BOOK TO A STUDENT ABOUT NIETZCHE "WHATS THAT YOU READING SON? 'IM? THAT NAZI BLOKE OR SOMEFING"
THESE GUYS WERE HAVING FUN. THAT'S WHAT SHOULD BE HAPPENING IN A PUB.





I VISITED THIS PUB ON TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS. THE FIRST TIME WAS TO PHOTOGRAPH THE OUTSIDE. I WAS WITH MY SON AND IF YOU LOOK AT THE PHOTO BELOW YOU CAN SEE OUR REFLECTION IN THE GLASS.



THE SECOND TIME WAS FOR BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY CRITICISM I DO HAVE FOR THE PLACE WAS THE SERVICE. IT COULD BEEN HAVE A LITTLE FRIENDLIER, BUT IT WAS STILL POLITE. EVEN IF I DIDN'T GET A SMILE. THE TADDY WAS ON TOP FORM (ISN'T IT ALWAYS) AND THE PLACE WAS JUMPING.



THE MIRRORS AROUND THE PLACE ARE QUITE IMPRESSIVE. IF YOUR A VAIN BUGGER THEN YOU COULD ORDER A TADDY AND ADMIRE YOUR UGLY ARSE SELF IN THE LOOKING GLASS. BASK IN YOUR OWN DARK, TWISTED REFLECTION.


OUR FAT GERMAN FRIEND CASTRATED BY THE BREWERY, THE ALPINE MAN WAS ON SHOW. I STILL LOVE TO SEE HIS BLUE LIGHT AND HAPPY BEER STEIN RAISING FACE. EVEN IF HIS TANK IS FILLED WITH SHANDY. *SIGH*


GREAT PUB AND A FANTASTIC DARTBOARD. REALLY NICE FOLK FREQUENTING THIS JOINT TOO. I WAS IN A BAD MOOD STEPPING INTO THIS PLACE AS I HAD INJURED MY ARM (I CAN'T REMEMBER IF IT WAS THE STUMP OR THE CLAW) AND I WAS HAPPY LEAVING. THAT TELLS YOU SOMETHING. WELL.... IT TELLS YOU TWO THINGS REALLY. I HAD A SOME SORT OF W***ING ACCIDENT AND THE PUB IS FANTASTIC.
CHECK IT OUT IF YOUR IN THAT NECK OF THE WOODS. WATCH OUT FOR THE COCKNEY WIDE BOYS. 
"GIMMIE A TADDY PLEEASE MAYTE"



YE OLDE CHESHIRE CHEESE



ALPINE RATING: 8 OUT OF 10



WINE OFFICE COURT, 145 FLEET STREET, LONDON, EC4A 2BU.
BLACKFRIARS AND CHANCERY LANE TUBE.


HISTORY. WHAT IS HISTORY?
IT CAN BE MANY THINGS AND YET NOTHING WHAT SO EVER. WAIT, I'LL EXPLAIN....
I ATE A MARS BAR YESTERDAY AND NOW I EXPECT ITS HALF WAY DOWN THE THEAMES. THAT'S HISTORY.
NAPOLEON WAS DEFEATED AT WATERLOO IN 1815. BOTH HISTORIC EVENTS. THE FIRST NOT MATCHING THE MAGNITUDE OF THE SECOND EXAMPLE. NEVER THE LESS, BOTH ARE HISTORY.

I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS PUB IN HISTORY.
HERE'S SOME BULLET POINTS:

*IT WAS BUILT IN 1538

*CHARLES DICKENS USED TO DRINK HERE. THE PUB IS MENTIONED IN THE 'TALE OF TWO CITYS'. ITS ALLEGED THAT THE INSPIRATION FOR THE BILL SYKES CHARACTER IN OLIVER TWIST CAME FROM A CHAP WHO FREQUENTED HERE.

*IT PARTIALLY SURVIVED THE GREAT FIRE OF LONDON IN LONDON IN 1666.

*DR JOHNSON LIVED NEXT DOOR (17 GOUGH SQUARE) AND MADE THIS PLACE HIS LOCAL. WHO'S DR JOHNSON? OH, NOBODY REALLY... JUST THE CHAP WHO WROTE THE FIRST EVER DICTIONARY......

*OTHER FAMOUS 'REGULERS' WERE OLIVER GOLDSMITH, MARK TWAIN, ALFRED TENNISON AND CONAN DOYLE.

* ITS MENTIONED IN THE BETTY CROCKER COOKBOOK (WHAT???)








NO REVIEW COULD EVER DO THIS PLACE JUSTICE. ITS JUST NOT POSSIBLE.
I SUPPOSE IT'S WORTH JUST EXPLAINING WHY YOU HAVE TO VISIT THIS PLACE BEFORE YOU DIE....
MANY OF YOU HAVE BEEN TO PARIS TO VISIT THE LOUVRE, RIGHT?
IT'S GOT TO BE DONE WHEN VISITING THE FINE CAPITAL OF OUR GALLIC COUSINS. NON?
YOU'VE MORE THEN LIKELY BEEN TO A GALLERY TO POUR OVER A VAN GOUGH MASTERPIECE. IT HAS TO BE DONE.
THIS PUB IS TO LAGER DRINKERS WHAT THE MECCA PILGRIMAGE IS TO THE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD.
IF YOUR A BEER AFICIONADO AND YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE, HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME.




 FIVE MINUTES FROM THE 'CITTIE OF YORKE', THIS PUB IS LIKE TRAVELLING BACK IN TIME. THE DOOR WAY IS TINY. WALKING IN, THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IS HOW DARK IT IS. VERY DARK IN FACT. I COULDN'T TAKE ANY PHOTOS INSIDE, THAT'S WHY YOU CAN SEE ME MUGGING OFF OUTSIDE.




ITS OLDER THE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

IT FEELS LIKE THE PLACE IS GOING TO COLLAPSE ANY SECOND. LOW SLUNG CEILINGS TO SMASH YOUR HEAD ON (PEOPLE WERE SHORTER IN THE 15TH CENTURY, SO I'M TOLD).. A MIXTURE OF OLD BLACK OAK MIXES WITH TIRED LOOKING BRICKS. IT IS A TRUE WONDER. THE BOTTOM FLOOR IS FOR EATING AND IT WAS PACKED.
THERE ARE LOTS OF LITTLE SPACES TO HIDE IN ALSO. I FULLY EXPECTED TO SEE FAGIN COUNTING HIS ILLICIT BOOTY IN A DARK CORNER.
THE SERVICE WAS SPOT ON, EVEN MY DAD ASKING "WHATS THE STRONGEST BEER" *CRINGE* WAS ANSWERED PROFESSIONALLY AND WITH COURTESY.

THIS PLACE IS FANTASTIC. THE TOILETS ARE VERY MODERN AND THAT MADE ME LAUGH. I EXPECTED A BUCKET FULL OF HORSE MANURE TO URINATE IN TO BE FRANK.

ONE TOUCHING THING I SAW WAS A YOUNG TOURIST GIRL WITH HER FAMILY. THEY WERE AMERICAN. AS THE YOUNG GIRL WALKED IN, SHE WAS CLUTCHING A CHARLES DICKENS NOVEL (DIDN'T SEE WHICH ONE) AND SHE STOOD STILL IN AMAZEMENT TAKING IT ALL IN. HER FATHER SAID "WELL HERE WE ARE" AND SHE REPLIED "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY HERE. IN THE CHESHIRE CHEESE".... IT WAS TOUCHING TO SEE SOMEBODY TRULY AMAZED. THE FATHER THEN COMMENTED "THE BEER IS OK. I JUST WISH THEY SOLD BUDWISER". W***ER.



I SHAN'T BANG ON ANYMORE. THE TADDY IS ACE, THE STAFF WELCOMING. GET YOUR ARSE DOWN THERE PRONTO. EDVARD MUNCH'S 'THE SCREAM' SOLD FOR A WHOPPING 74 MILLION *WHISTLES*.... IT HAS BEEN DEBATED WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS WORTH THE MONEY. THE SCREAM MAY NOT BE WORTH 74 MILLION, BUT THIS PLACE IS.
SUBLIME.

THE WHITE HORSE



ALPINE RATING: 7 OUT OF 10


45 RUPERT STREET, SOHO, LONDON, W1D 7PB.
PICCADILLY AND LEICESTER SQUARE TUBE.





THERE ARE THINGS I LIKE IN LIFE. STYLE COUNCIL ALBUMS, REEBOK TRAINERS, GREASY KEBABS, UN PC COMEDY.  SAMUEL SMITH BOOZERS AND TADDY LAGER. THOSE LAST TWO ARE TOP OF THE LIST. WITHOUT A DOUBT.
SO.....
WHAT, INDEED....
ARE.....
THE THINGS I DON'T LIKE....

WHERE TO BEGIN.....

WELL, FIRST OF, THE FACT MY OWN  GENERATION THINK THAT THEY KNOW HOW ALL OF US SHOULD LIVE OUR LIVES BECAUSE THEY HAVE A HALF DECENT EDUCATION AND ACCESS TO THE INTERNET. THAT ANNOYS ME.
PEOPLE OVER THE AGE OF 25 WHO SAY 'NANG', PLEASE GROW UP...
TOP OF THE LIST. ENGLISH ACTORS. Y'KNOW THE ONES. EMMA THOMPSON, BEN KINGSLEY.  POMPOUS PRATS WHO LOST TOUCH WITH REALITY A LONG TIME AGO.
I SAW GREG WISE ONCE READING A CHRISTMAS STORY IN THE BACK OF A BLACK TAXI ON TELEVISION. SMUG, ARROGANT AND SPEAKING IN THE QUEENS ENGLISH. IT WAS HORRIBLE.  IF THERE WAS EVER A MAN WHO NEEDED SOMEBODY TO HOLD A MIRROR UP SO HE COULD SEE THE AWFUL, COMPLETE AND UTTER ARSE OF A HUMAN BEING STARING BACK, IT'S THIS GUY. PAINFUL TO SAY THE LEAST. IT MADE MY S**T ITCH. EERRCCHHH.
EVER SEEN A GOOD BRITISH FILM?... NO ME EITHER. WHY? BECAUSE THEY ARE WRITTEN BY AND STAR THEATRE ACTORS. I HAVE SEEN THESE IDIOTS ON CHAT SHOWS (PLASTIC FACES, PLASTIC SMILES) LAUGH AND CRITICISE THE AMERICANS QUALITY OF TELEVISION AND FILM. 
THE YANKS FILMS AND TELEVISION SERIES MAY NOT BE UP OUR EVER SO HIGH STANDARDS, BUT THEIR ACTORS DON'T SEEM UP THEIR OWN ARSES AS MUCH AS OUR LOVIES.
LOOK, WHO WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A PINT WITH? HUGH GRANT OR SHAUN RYDER?
SHAUN WOULDN'T BANG ON ABOUT "CRACKING THE BOARDS IN HIS TIME".... BORE OFF.


 AND WHAT 'MAN IN THE BOX' DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SAMUEL SMITH BOOZERS?
THE WHITE HORSE IS SLAP BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF THEATRE LAND. OPPOSITE THE GIELGUD THEATRE. HOME TO HALF OF THESE TWERPS.
I IMAGINE MOST OF THE LOVIES HAVE HAD A PINT IN HERE OVER THE YEARS.



THE PUB ITSELF IS LOVELY.
THE CUSTOMER SERVICE HERE HAS BEEN THE BEST I HAVE RECEIVED IN ANY PUB YET.
QUICK, CHATTY AND LOTS OF SMILES!! CRIKEY.
NATURALLY, THE TADDY WAS IN TOP FORM. IT WAS VERY TRADITIONAL LIKE THE BEST HOUSES OF UNCLE SAM.




THE CHESS BOARD FLOOR WAS IN FULL EFFECT AND THERE WAS NOT A 'LOVEY' IN SIGHT. SAYING THAT. IAN MCKELLEN WON'T BE IN HERE. HE OWNS HIS OWN BOOZER, THE GRAPES I BELIEVE ITS CALLED. A PINT IN THE GRAPES COSTS A TENNER I EXPECT, BUT IAN GETS RESPECT FOR BUYING A BOOZER.




OOOOHHHH, BEER MATS. THEY HAVE BEER MATS. BULLSEYE!!! IT DEFINITELY HAS THE FEEL OF AN OLD STATELY HOME. A TRADITIONAL FIREPLACE SITS NEXT TO AN OLD GRANDFATHERS CLOCK. THE CLOCK IN QUESTION STOPPED LONG AGO AND IT'S ONCE WHITE FACE IS NO LONGER WHITE. "BUT -IT-STOPPED. SHORT. NEVER-TO-GO-AGAIN WHEN-THE-OLD-MAN-DIED".....
HE'D HAVE DIED IN 1971, JUDGING FROM WHERE I'M STANDING.




THE MENUS. I HAVE TO SAY, THERE WAS A MENU ON EVERY TABLE. SO IT'S CLEAR THAT THEY DO A CRACKING TRADE ON PUB GRUB. THERE WERE AT LEAST THREE DIFFERENT TABLES ORDERING GRUB WHILST I WAS IN THERE. THIS MAY BE UNIQUE TO THE PUB CHAIN, MORE PEOPLE ORDERING FOOD AS OPPOSED TO BEER.

THE PLATES COMING PAST SMELT WONDERFUL, BUT TO QUOTE HUNTER S THOMPSON "THOSE OF US WHO HAD BEEN UP ALL NIGHT WERE IN NO MOOD FOR COFFEE AND DONUTS. WE WANTED STRONG LIQUOR. AND LOTS OF IT"....
PINT OF TADDY PLEEEASE...




THERE WAS UPSTAIRS, BUT IT WAS CLOSED. IF IT WAS ANYTHING LIKE THE DOWNSTAIRS, THEN IT'S FAB. IT LOOKS BIGGER ON THE OUTSIDE, THEN ON IT'S INSIDE. THIS IS A LOVELY BOOZER. IT WAS VERY CLEAN. PERFECT FOR GRUB.
NOT SURE IF IT'S A PLACE FOR A SESSION, BUT GOOD FOR A BITE TO EAT. OR EVEN AFTER WATCHING SOME PONCEY RUBBISH NEAR BY.



I'M A SUCKER FOR BIG OLD BEER LAMPS AND THE ONE ABOVE THE ENTRANCE IS CRACKING. I'VE NEVER SEEN A WHITE HORSE BEFORE. OHH WAIT, I THINK I HAVE. IT  WAS SOME AWFUL DRIVEL ON THE BBC. KENNETH BRANNER WAS RIDING IT. AN ASS ON TOP OF A HORSE. WHO KNEW......